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2/11/26 Falling for Kirstin

WalkFaster

New member
Near the summit of a jagged peak and part of a team that measures snowfall and studies the atmospheric trends in proximity of a distant mountain, I am observing the progress of an unusually harsh winter storm through a pair of tall, thick glass windows from inside the lab.

It must be nearly 7;00am on the south face after a long, unusual night of pounding snow and ice fall. The 850ft. cone provided a precarious, wind whipped ledge composed of solid basaltic andesite just beneath an ice cornice that stretched toward a cloudy oblivion where the 900 square foot observation lab was constructed.

On a good day, the summit was another grueling 600ft above us. When my eyes weren't locked onto the majestic tower of rock we were sent to evaluate, they were working not to steel a glimpse of Kirstin's fire-red hair and fair skin. We had been a thing once, but that was nearly three years ago. After drifting apart in the final years at university, she took another direction but oddly, fate had brought us back to this foreboding ledge where we agreed to keep the focus on our science.

Today I was scheduled to crawl back up the side of this monstrous peek once more to take a group of measurements, never knowing what to expect.

At its highest perch, the lenticular cloud that had settled just above the summit revealed the impossible. Like a mirage, there was another station! Right there on top of the world, but where did it come from? As I continued to climb, eventually I began to hear snide remarks and a competitive sarcasm coming from three men inside, they were laughing about something, but I didn't hear enough to understand what it was about.

Outside and feeling the stinging cold carve into my neck and shoulder, I was in a death grip posture, white-knuckling past a perch up on a final outcropping of exposed rock. Working through a traverse and into position for a final blitz to capture the summit I pushed with my last ounce of strength.

What I was about to see and experience would prove a bitter test of resolve that felt like it would break me and send me over another type of precipice. There in this hidden station I saw Kirstin, in the arms of one of the men. I was close enough now to hear that they were laughing about my tremendous loss. She forgot to tell me she was involved with one of these guys that I didn't know existed.

As more snow and frozen sleet fell on my pack and summit suit, I came to a hard preference to be alone and face the brutal punishment of descending from this nightmare back to the warmth inside the station. One of the men spotted me and in another minute a loudspeaker switched on. "Come on up" he said, half laughing in a mix of spite and cynicism.

I shouted back in the same direction asking for the key measurements I had come to collect. After my reluctant reply, I saw Kirstin with two of the men now standing above me. They were hurling chunks of ice on top of my head. I turned back and made my way down the frozen basalt edifice. I could have had the observation lab to myself when I came to it, but nothing was left inside of me that I could use to take those dozen steps over to it.

I was lost to another storm, one even more frightening and just as threatening as the vision back up on that summit face. I wanted to live, but something half dead inside of me was hoping to take hold and conquer the broken pieces of my heart. I woke, shaking in a pool of sweat before I could determine my fate.
 
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PaulKH

Active member
I've experienced epic dreams similar in style to this, mostly when I was younger -- in fact the first one I ever recalled and wrote down (that perhaps helped me along my writerly path) included a very similar complex woman-love, of alabaster skin and hair to match her fiery spirit! (I still remember her name from the dream, but probably only because I recalled it as I was writing it out those long decades ago.) As you let the ugliness of the experience turn more into considering/analyzing, I would be interested in hearing some follow-up thoughts from you about it (if you feel so inclined). [I have experienced this kind of deep-scarring betrayal, and know that even that can be turned toward understanding.]
 

WalkFaster

New member
Thanks Paul. My own limited understanding can be shared. To avoid my own echo chamber, I don't want others here to allow that to distort their own perceptions. Trusting in people's courage and willingness then, I'll continue.

From the inside, my feeling about this dream speaks to the brokenness having to do with my own inner feminine side. I've wanted to integrate with this part of who I am, but she is a tricky area of my soul. She loves me, I love her, but then she is quite capable of back-stabbing me and leaving me to fall off a cliff somewhere. So I am thinking she represents a wounded part of myself as this wouldn't be healthy or "normal" behavior for anyone in my worldview.

I've said it before and continue under the assumption that these sorts of characters dancing across the stage of my dreams, call on my ability to sit together with them for a better picture as to the meaning they have for me.

The "outer Kirstin" that has come and go in different chapters of my waking life is typically an insecure, self-serving female that is only happy when I am able to serve her needs. Yes, I see the parallel. Until I quit chasing or attracting "Kirstin" I've agreed with myself to stop that drama long ago. For more than two decades now I have climbed my mountains solo regardless of what the dream tells of my wounded ego.

I still have work to do to understand this part of me and to integrate with it. Love thine own self, heal thyself; right? The best versions of who I have experienced myself to be have included an androgynous me, someone that approaches life from the best of both worlds. As I am not able to wait for this conflict to settle in order to move on my future, I'm not going to waste a lot of time with it without more insight and understanding about where to go from here.

I know she's inside of me, that she's hurting and dangerous at times. So when necessary, I pray for protection if healing isn't adequate or even possible. I don't have all the answers and don't believe I am the author of my journey much of the time. It's more like I'm along for the ride where Kirstin is concerned. My inner Kirstin is truly beautiful though and not anyone or anything to be take lightly. The "outer Kirstins" will have to find their own way. My intention is to be kind to and show them some modicum of legitimate care and concern, but a good knight riding stallion of a white horse, I am no more.
 
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PaulKH

Active member
Thanks Paul. My own limited understanding can be shared. To avoid my own echo chamber, I don't want others here to allow that to distort their own perceptions. Trusting in people's courage and willingness then, I'll continue.

Oh, I understand this well and didn't expect you to respond in such thoroughness (few do). In the sciences as in the arts, we're always wary of predispositions and how they can negatively influence results (and by negative, I mainly mean drawing perceptions away from the open-honest considerations that so many humans seem to find difficult to do by default).

It has come into vogue, it seems, to feel torn or divided inside, as if bits of "you"/your complexity are at war with each other (from different planets, as the childhood taunt-song would imply), but I encourage you to see the *integration* of it all, that your experience and mental state are broad enough to accommodate various aspect that might seem in contrast but that must find some productive blend/synergy in order to provide wellness that ought to be the goal of every rational, sentient being -- since that is a baseline for any higher level success, any form of enlightenment/rebirth/greater-than-the-sum.

So while I won't go so far as rejecting your view/thinking, I will plead with you to be very cautious about dissecting aspects of yourself that should be cooperative partners in the benevolent growth of the individual explorer-student in this life. Instead, I will wonder and ask you to consider that Kirstin might represent the fear/fragility of attraction or longing and its related trust (that must bloom and somehow survive within a romantic-type relationship for there to be any lasting success). And that she -- this fiery, taunting, slightly cruel manifestation of her -- represents many of the risks/downsides of needing that more whole (holistic) experience. Not some feminine side of *you*, more than a needed feminine balance within *your existence* that you cannot provide for yourself (these are very different things, even if they might feel similar from within the dream imagery/language). Please consider this alternative perspective to see how it might fit (perhaps another episode/reminder of why you gave up on your white knight attitude, which I can also more than empathize with).

In any case, cheers to you, your dreams, and your journey.
 
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